Wanna Be Cool
I am a breaker of things
Always have been, things break around me and this month, this has made itself apparent again. No matter where I am, I will break things.
I should take care more really, but even when I really try to, shit happens.
So heres a list of the things I can think of in the past 2 weeks.
- the toastie maker, accidentally toasted the wire, cue a few sparks and the end to my cheese toasties. Luckily the only guy who also uses it is in England visiting his girlfriend so I have time to fix (buy a new one) it.
- My camera, actually gutted about this one, I love this thing, was a present before i left to America and had to be fixed out there, but since then in particular I have been careful with it. But the lens is now not coming out, so will need to look into that.
- My phone, it's been cracked for a while. the end was near, although it didn't occur how I expected it to.
- Between the beginning and end of this post, my blinds.
But let me take you back, I left you with the idea that my coding was flying and I would be creating the next facebook in no time.
What a difference a day makes. The Friday when I last posted was spent struggling and not understanding well. I had burnt myself out and was putting too much pressure on myself. Work has not been fruitful recently and I desperately want to be able to make money doing something I enjoy, so I was trying to bust through it, to get somewhere fast. Bad idea.
I had a real moment of angst about the future for a short while. A moment where my eyelids narrowed and my inner monologue may have sounded a bit like this
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
In that moment I also broke myself, but I sorted it with a nap and the decision to slow down, it will happen over time. I made the decision to learn it down in South America, because I have time. So I will use it and I then spent the evening, hanging out at home and watching basketball.
Now what I have been trying to make is a website to give me football stats to help me break the bookies. Even if the maths doesn't help, the practice will. The maths has a 1-0 start with a nice win of £50 and I left for the botanical gardens feeling pretty chilled again. 1-1 if you count both bets (which I don't). So I left for the botanical gardens with a smile on my face.
This is where I discovered the fault in my camera, so unfortunately I cannot share any pictures, which is a shame cause there were some beautiful birds and some interesting plants. And bees without stings! I still didn't get too close, although now I think about it, I don't know why.
So as I wandered around the gardens without my camera and a phone without data, I thought this would be great, no connection to the world, just in the moment, seeing whats around me. Lost in nature. Unfortunately this was not the case. I spent a lot of it thinking about life, my life and trying to figure myself out. Whilst also giving myself a hard time over things from small things ages ago and over the fact I wasn't in the moment whilst being there and for being narcissistic and thinking of myself.
I did have a few happy distractions, mostly by the birds and the amazonian section, but overall, I think I probably saw more of the path than the surroundings. Sad but true.
Sometimes these thoughts can spiral down and continue, other times I stop myself and bring myself back into the world, this time I spiraled out of it though, feeling I am beginning to internalize something that I know and tell myself all the time, but in practice it's not always so easy.
Essentially, it breaks down to being yourself and not caring about others opinions. I know myself and I love myself and I should be myself but sometimes I find it difficult to actually put this into action. Not always, mind.
I've found I've acted differently at times in my life in order to be liked and accepted, a pretty human feeling, and stopped being me or doing me things, being more normal in order to achieve this.
But that's not really me, I'm acting on, not even necessarily the opinions of others, but sometimes my perceived opinions that others have or might have and find myself analyzing my own behaviour all the while. Self-consciousness.
In reality, I don't know and I shouldn't care what they are thinking. It's not even my right to know, it's their thoughts and it should make no difference to me. But sometimes it does. When I catch myself doing this now, I can start to imagine that person's head as an old fuzzy TV screen that I can't see and that usually flips me back.
I've always respected those who are unapologetically themselves and who don't care.
Its much more important to be yourself because then people will actually like you, for you. Flaws and quirks and all. Or not. Either way.
That's true acceptance.
Now this is one part of this, some time away to think about things like this, figure out whats going on in me and to be me. For better or worse I do think these things and other thoughts trying to figure out life, maybe too much sometimes, but I also enjoy asking why and trying to figure out things such as the world, social behaviours and the self. I would rather that, than just ignore it. I will always take the red pill.
Another part is to decide what I wanna do, it's been a toss up between a coder/programmer and a teacher. P.E teacher most likely. And it still swings, I do enjoy the coding but then films like Coach Carter and Freedom Writers, which I watched Monday night, really help convince me that teaching is such a good force in the world. Although sometimes I think fuck it and I should go work on helping the environment cause lord knows that needs the help.
The last 2 parts and the most important is to learn about the languages and cultures down here, and enjoy myself. I am in Brazil after all.
After I've shared with you my honest, slightly negative thoughts and feelings in the day, I can share the same of a much more positive nature;
I felt unbelievably calmer once returning home. The thoughts stopped, the narcissism finished and I looked forward to the night, spending it with Mark and his girlfriend, Thays, at a night celebrating culture from another state, her state. There I was completely out of my own head and in the moment, with zero effort. We enjoyed a few drinks and this time I broke a few hearts on the dancefloor prancing around in the traditional skirt, emulating the ladies who danced alongside me.
We consumed a few more beverages in our favourite barzinho nearby before hitting up a samba night in a alleyway. These nights are always fantastic, everybody is enjoying themselves and dancing along, drinking in the streets. In fact we revisited this spot last night as Thays was singing there. Before we even made it, we stumbled upon a large samba band performing nearby in a street adjacent to many bars.
Most likely practicing for carnaval, this is set to become more and more common, being told that pre-carnaval and the summer months are just street parties with music and costumes, so we sat down and enjoyed good conversation, beer and music before watching Thays sing and attempting to dance with the Brazilians.
Now something weird that's been happening here is I've become very broody. I know that having children will be the greatest happiness and there's time for that, but I've been feeling it recently and feel I could settle at some point in the near future.
One of the street vendors on Saturday had brought her children along, including her 4 months old child which she let me hold. Not the wisest decision this woman's ever made as I'd had a few drinks but she didn't seem to mind. However he did not seem to like it, so I passed him back pretty sharpish. Maybe I'm not ready.
So time to go, Mark had called me an uber but when I went to get it, there was nobody there, and taxistas were being unreasonable with their prices. (£6) So I proceeded to walk for a little bit till I found a Portugeezer to do it cheaper. I'd recently topped up my phone but still had no data, so I could not call the uber and at this point I'd had enough of my phone so I bit it.
Yes. Bit it.
It then turned some funky colours before dying. It being dead was also annoying so I continued to vent my anger by linging it away. This is also a part of me.
HAHAHAHA as if there is a gif for it. Its not only me!
I then heard loud music and followed it to the modern art museum and spent some time trying to barter my way in or get some friends to sneak me in. This failed, so I left to find a cab, but with it being a lot of walking on Saturday I decided to have a wee lay down in what seemed to be a large scale nativity. I did not find Jesus, only lots of kings. I was then asked to move on by a security guard and found a cab nearby who transported me home for £4. Sorted.
So on Sunday it was me who was broken but I was not particularly bothered by my phone. In honesty it was gunna happen and it happens so often, I know all the avenues to go down. I probably shouldn't have got rid of it with the sim card but hey ho, I did. I was considering asking for a phone with a camera for Christmas whilst in the botanical gardens. So it makes my decision easier. Just don't bite this one.
Since then though all's been good, I hit up a Portuguese school to discuss visa options and it looks like a good avenue to go down, a proper school, proper visa and cheap prices for lessons which will help me reach the next level.
The language is going pretty well though, I'm hearing more, speaking more and spent the remainder of the Monday reading my Portuguese book in a nearby cafe, where the sun shone down and I enjoyed not having any contact to the outside word, really appreciating being here and everything that's happening. It was great to get those thoughts out of my head and since then I've felt a lot calmer and happier.
Even being able to write them down here and in my diary is a big help and a step. I encourage anyone who has similar thoughts to just write them down. It feels like letting the pressure of a tyre, through the pen and you can find yourself writing things that you didn't even know you had in you, letting your subconscious speak.
And I know I'm not alone because there are a million and one songs about this very feeling, which always helps to know others feel it, but I've always liked this song and it was always gunna feature. Seems like the right time.
